Johnny (riotnotquiet) wrote,

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night of accidental, yet self induced depression

today was good... work went well, not too busy, francis asked me questions about how i thought the new advirtisements and pictures of half naked men and women should be displayed throughout the store.. i felt something that is normally absent at my job: respect.. they actually cared what i thought.. my artistic and mathematical side went into a flurry of action... what were the best ways to draw the customer in? to turn them on? to make them want to fuck and buy shoes? and still keep the store symetrically sound...
then i came home and watched the simpsons...
then i got stupid..
i watched a copy on The Doom Generation that lyndsay lent me... the ending always gets to me.. especially in the directors cut.. so much more gore.. so much more intimate... so much more emotionally effective... so i needed cigarettes (to buy and to smoke)... i went to flemingon family diner... sat alone, drank coffee, smoked, and read issue 7 of Optic Nerve for the first time... it really got to me... then i bumped into a man i hoped i could avoid for the next ten days... in spanish his name means to love, in hindi it means eternal... we said nothing, just passed eachother.. all these things compounded with eachother and i ended up in a generally lonely and sad state (no, not wisconnsin...) of mind.
i have this feeling of longing i used to always have when i felt all the love in me build up in me with no one to give it to.. the fucked up part is that i do have some one to give it to now... is it possible to have deja vu about emotions??? like i'm retracing my steps to make sure i haven't forgotten anything before i leave..
what i realized is that i have to confront Amar before June 1st.. i've been avoiding it for so long, but i know it needs to be done.. i need to give him a hug and walk away.. i need to fill in my history.
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