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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Johnny's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, November 25th, 2004
8:34 pm
even later. and it's thanks giving!
Now I live in Portland Oregon. I am a buyer at a clothing store, and a merchandiser at a non-profit feminist book store. I am in a band called Dirty Shirley, we have a website, i can't think of the URL right now. I just cooked and ate thanksgiving dinner with my boyfriend paul and some of our friends. it was great. ok, I'll most likely update agaiun in another year and a half, so be on the look out.
Thursday, December 12th, 2002
2:26 am
tracking down, yeah yeah
So, quite a while since the last post. I've been liviung in MA for about a year and a half now, already in my second apartment... I'm at Umass through Con Ed. My band is going well, Cargo May Shift are fucking awesome... goto mp3.com for downloads or to our website at http://drive.to/cargomayshift goto www.wondergirl.org to see some hott semi-nudy pics of me... so, no time for real updates, gotta go.
suck an egg.

Current Mood: itchy
Wednesday, May 23rd, 2001
10:08 pm
night of accidental, yet self induced depression
today was good... work went well, not too busy, francis asked me questions about how i thought the new advirtisements and pictures of half naked men and women should be displayed throughout the store.. i felt something that is normally absent at my job: respect.. they actually cared what i thought.. my artistic and mathematical side went into a flurry of action... what were the best ways to draw the customer in? to turn them on? to make them want to fuck and buy shoes? and still keep the store symetrically sound...
then i came home and watched the simpsons...
then i got stupid..
i watched a copy on The Doom Generation that lyndsay lent me... the ending always gets to me.. especially in the directors cut.. so much more gore.. so much more intimate... so much more emotionally effective... so i needed cigarettes (to buy and to smoke)... i went to flemingon family diner... sat alone, drank coffee, smoked, and read issue 7 of Optic Nerve for the first time... it really got to me... then i bumped into a man i hoped i could avoid for the next ten days... in spanish his name means to love, in hindi it means eternal... we said nothing, just passed eachother.. all these things compounded with eachother and i ended up in a generally lonely and sad state (no, not wisconnsin...) of mind.
i have this feeling of longing i used to always have when i felt all the love in me build up in me with no one to give it to.. the fucked up part is that i do have some one to give it to now... is it possible to have deja vu about emotions??? like i'm retracing my steps to make sure i haven't forgotten anything before i leave..
what i realized is that i have to confront Amar before June 1st.. i've been avoiding it for so long, but i know it needs to be done.. i need to give him a hug and walk away.. i need to fill in my history.

Current Mood: everything
Thursday, May 17th, 2001
9:09 pm
anne franke, comas, nerves, wedding disasters, spider, the smiths, and town populations.
so. I had a great day yesterday... escapades through the wild landscapes
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so. I had a great day yesterday... escapades through the wild landscapes<or should i say suburbia??> of pennsylvania with drew... made purchases:
1.) 7 copies of optic nerve (just amazing)
2.)issue 42 of Transmetropolitan... very depressing and cynically and politically arrousing
3.) the new butchies album.. which i hated at first, but now love.. it is very different, track 8 in especially good, i'm listening to it as i type.
i'm feeling very emotuional and confused about the next 2-3 weeks... i don't feel like going into it, but if you are really curious, listen to the song Population 1975 by the buitchies... it somes it up perfectly.
i am in love with life and dreading it at the same time, the wierdest part is that the things that cause the love are also the things that cause the dread...
i'm feeling nostalgic about everything.. the whole gammit.. flem fam, freshman yearbooks, my so called life, my yard, my parents.. everything.. but this is normal and healthy i suppose... i just want to go into a coma and wake up months from now... who knows, maybe i'll be the next karen, and when i wake up natalie will be there and I will be able to fill some sort of space that I know an email or a phone call can never fill.... ugg.. this post is not going where i meant it to at all... livejournal makes me think about stuff i normally don't, like my own private psychiatrist...


Current Mood: ugg...
Sunday, May 13th, 2001
11:35 pm
a work in progress
i haven't been able to write in forever.. here is the first poem for months, not yet completed.


Newark, 1986.


Red lights are blinking in the sky,
like heaven is winking,
like god is winking.

My 5 year old body curled up
in the passenger seat of my father's car
sees judgment towering above.
So I wink back.

Airplanes never know
how low is too low.
So god pushes them up.
Higher than even his eyes can see,
so that there light shines down on him.

The red eyes of god keep things in their place,
blinking away like a monarch drunken on lust.
Me in mine, him in his own,
and these machines above all else.



i miss you natalie... i'm goinf to write to you son, promise...

Current Mood: restless
11:35 pm
a work in progress
i haven't been able to write in forever.. here is the first poem for months, not yet completed.


Newark, 1986.


Red lights are blinking in the sky,
like heaven is winking,
like god is winking.

My 5 year old body curled up
in the passenger seat of my father's car
sees judgment towering above.
So I wink back.

Airplanes never know
how low it too low.
So god pushes them up.
Higher than even his eyes can see,
so that there light shines down on him.

The red eyes of god keep things in their place,
blinking away like a monarch drunken on lust.
Me in mine, him in his own,
and these machines above all else.



i miss you natalie... i'm goinf to write to you son, promise...
2:37 am
hpw do you spell sequel?
I had my second date with drew tonight. it was so nice... We met at denny's, got some coffee and coke, and then drove around for a while... we decided to explore the area around denny's to see if there was anything else, but there wasn't, besides a closed pawn shop (and for those of you from boston, that's pawn, not porn)he pumped my gas for me cause i'm from jersey and don't know how... then we decided to go to New Hope, we went to the book store and talked about books and we were going to go to karla's (the coffee/breakfast place, famous for the taracotta wall incident), but instead just talked for a while.. their was parrisian style kissing involved and much holding of hands... excitement and possibilities are in the air and i'm very happy about all of this... I also found a MUCH quicker way to drive to 95 south.. it saves me about 10 minutes, which is a very good thing... work was grueling today. i am now on a one man mission to overthrow the greeting card industry. oh, did i mention drew is Irish??? you know natalie's got to dig it...
plus his name is the past tense of a verb...
music: Radiohead, Jay-Z, Cat Power
Tuesday, May 8th, 2001
12:07 pm
post hook-up redemption of my self image
I'm fine now. On a certain level i regret what i have done, but i learned something from it. I now know that I am not emotionally, physically, ethically, or spiritually capable of being a whore. I owe owen that much.
I had a great first date last night. it involved akward flirting, 2 hours of conversation, a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I'm feeling good about life, and much better about myself.
Music:
artist: beth orton, song: stolen car, mixtape: late night driving mix

Current Mood: enthralled
Monday, May 7th, 2001
6:48 pm
i started sobbing while listening to jawbreaker and driving on, ironically enough, 202/31. i'm too emotional and i think that it is driving me crazy..
"what's the closest you can come
to an almost total wreck,
and still walk away all limbs intact.
what's the meanest you can be
to the one you claim to love,
and still smile to your new found friends."

i left my jacket, razor, and it's recharger in MA... i will be a very hairy, cold, and un-hip man.

Current Mood: sad
Sunday, May 6th, 2001
6:18 pm
feelings are optional at best
the feeling was temporary and left as quickly as it came.
except for the quick stap of of a needle through the
heart while listening to dolly parton, i feel much better.
i am staying an extra day, everyone come find me...

Current Mood: better
3:38 am
that was a stupid idea... i can't detach emotion from anything and I can't help but feel when i really shouldn't.

i don't know and I don't care if i ever will see you again.
do you eat do you sleep anymore
i don't think i can stand or fall for you ever again

the most stupid thing about it is that i let myself care.. i thought diving in would be easy... beuaty CAN be skin deep... but why did he have to be so great... 9 points out of ten... fuck you.

"how can you give yourself absolutely to someone else...."

Current Mood: cold
Tuesday, May 1st, 2001
5:16 pm
photo convo
i finished my huge photography final today (besides matting) and i am extremely happy with it.. almost extatic...
I talked to drew last night and i was happy... i don't get to have conversations with people as often as i like and I am always busy... only one more week of classes as one week of finals... whoo! almost finished... life will be great very shortly. i can already tell...
Thursday, April 26th, 2001
11:10 pm
university fakers
It was really nice today... the weather i mean... all these people at my school were pretending they were at a real college. There were people playing hacky sack in the courtyard and a boy playing guitar very badly on a bench... cynisism abounds.....
It bothers me when i get emotionally involved with television shows that i never watch... i saw ER tonight for the first time in months... ugg.... sally fields was bi polar and a boy died of alcohol poisoning during rush week at a university... and i care for some reason...
I told my mom that "skim" and jurardo would probably be sleeping here and now she has gone into this flurry of food preperation... she feels that she must feed the world... personalities can be funny and depressing all at the same time...
my parents are happy they are going to get to meet two of my future roomates and I am happy that the mysterious jurardo will finally be intoduced to me... i had this fantasy today.. it was me and jurardo doing laundry together at some 24 hour laundry mat... i'm excited about making new friends and walking long distances to wash clothes with them.
violins will be singing in my head while I sleep tonight...

Current Mood: affine
Monday, April 23rd, 2001
1:17 pm
You liar, You goddamn liar, whoa You liar, yeah You liar, whoa
I'm in the library.. i have to write a term paper that 
is due tommorrow.. i haven't even started yet.. it is going 
to be on the origin of nightmares and the psychological 
studies done on the issue during the past 60 years... 
research for the paper has not even begun....mohawk barbie 
cancled.. i got a replacement band.. they are surf rock..
i shot a new photography project.. i created a murder scene 
and the story leading up to it without ever using a single 
model.. the blood was bueatiful and it dripped in the best 
shapes and patterns... my  light meter is all fucked up, 
but i pretty much have all the  setting instictively 
memorized to the point where i don't really need the meter, 
so i think it will turn out ok... i'm printing it very 
large.. i'm going to put it in the gallery in our attic... 
it is six prints long... 
everyone should go onto napster and download songs by the 
band Sister soleil. especially the songs: chair, blind, 
torch, little girl, red, and hit me. you guys would all 
really like them, especially sharon... they are my favorite 
music right now...


Current Mood: dissillusioned
Saturday, April 21st, 2001
10:31 pm
i'm deeper than any ocean you could ever swim in...
i hate life.. i want to die... nothing ever goes right...
my legs hurt.. everyone should crawl into a hole and die a
slow firey death...
i'm being melodramatic...
life does suck though...

"You put him on a chair and say he's great,
then you get right down to the god you made.
You keep him up there so he can save you
and you kick him out the very next day. "
-Stella Soleil

Current Mood: grumpy
Thursday, April 19th, 2001
2:06 pm
when heather's ship comes in she won't be sorry, she have lots of friends and they'll all want her.
i'm working on a photography project that has me more excited than anything i have done for quite a while, and it involves my parents, which is good because i never see them... it also involves smiles, paper, a kitchen knife, blood, and gore and it is going to be great and disturbing and on 11X14 paper, which i never do. natalie is alive and i am happy and think it is funny that she is not in germany after only two days... i am hanging out with drew (internet friend from philly) on sunday and this also makes me happy because talking to strangers is just about the best thing ever, or the worst most uncomfortable thing ever, but either way it is interesting and completely out of the norm (aka not flemington). i think heather needs a hug from someone, but I'm not sure who, and I think it might be me, but I can not give her a hug because my arms are not long enough to reach MA. i called her last night, but only got cristina, and i will call again tonight. i'v never met jamie, but she can't be that great... at least that's how i see it... just think about it this way heather, didn't ren seem great at first?? don't get to broken up about it. drink some southern comfort, smoke a pack of cigarrettes, listen to "the reason the night is long" on repeat for three hours and get it out of your sytem... then you can laugh at jamie (i mean, she is with JC after all, that's laughable, right?). you'll feel better, i promise... ok, i'm out of here...

Current Mood: nerdy
Friday, April 13th, 2001
1:58 am
fifi, my grandmother used to call it a fifi. isn't that nice? a fifi?
I almost died today... I would tell the story, but i'm not in the mood... let's just say it involves tractor trailers, red lights, and a silver bug. I've been feeling creative lately... i've been waiting for it to come back for so long, I'm happy that it has... i wrote a song about a film... i had a good conversation... School is less daunting now, which is good because I thought i was going to implode... I have a crush on a boy who lives in amherst and I know nothing about beyond hetaher's commentary and one picture... one day i will have a conversation with him and he will fall in love...
"anything less than extraordinary is a waste of your time.
there are too many mediocre thing in life, and love shouldn't be one of them"

Current Music: Mirah "storage land"
Wednesday, April 11th, 2001
12:50 pm
it's better to be a fake somebody, than a real nobody.
I watched the talnted mr. ripley last night. it made me very sad. it always gets me all depressed and i always cry for days afterward... it makes me lonely... it's very good.. everyone should see it.. very intelligent, very intense, very emotional... like the 2 in 20 floor, or undressed, or heather.
but not like undressed or 2 in 20 at all.
so i think i might try and break into the pornagraphy industry. anyone can do porn really. you don't HAVE to be good looking. I was thinking of getting one of those webcams and putting it in the house this summer in my room and getting a website and charging people $10 to watch me masturbate... easy money...
what do you guys think about the idea???

Current Mood: melancholy
Tuesday, April 10th, 2001
8:50 pm
eddie murphy on a pissed off day.
So I have this class that meets in a building 45 minutes away from the main campus. It is in a town called franklin which is very poor, and very black. The class is psychology. I am the only white person (besides this very insane older woman who scares me and I think she should be locked away. note: this is not a hyperbole). I always assumed that everyone who took classes there was black because most of the people in the area are. but today, I took glimpses into other rooms while I was on my way out of the building. not a single black person in any of the classes... it turns out that psychology is a mandatory class for those trying to get their nursing degree... all this made me sad and I'm still trying to figure out what it all means.


lover's in love
and the others run away.
lover is cryin'
cause the other won't stay.

sometimes she hovers
when she's weeping for the other
who's been crying since the day
she was born and well,

well it's not that i think i'm throwing,
but I'm thrown.

and i thought I'de live forever,
but now I'm not to sure
you try to tell me that I'm clever
but that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere
with you.

current music: Guru "Jazzmatazz", Unwound, Quasi.
2:15 am
good buy...
So, I made the best purchase today. I was at blockbuster and I bought two movies:
Office Killer for only 2.00!!! I was amazed... apparently they found three copies in a box in the back room... and they didn't think anyone would by them... yay for me.. I also got The Talented Mr. Ripley for $3.00. No one else likes that movie but me.. I really like it alot. my mom likes it... but no one lese... heather did not like it.. i think she fell asleep actually... anyway... time for me to sleep..
Music: Smog: "Dongs on Sevotion", Tsunami: the 7" i bought at the punk rock garage sale.
Movie: Bedazzled. a funny "non-thinking" movie that was pretty funny and featured many cute people... and a few semi interesting ideas on religion..
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